Discombobulated

Last week's game has thrown my mind into a total tailspin.

The tournament at the American Legion is coming up this Friday and it's like all poker knowledge has completely vacated my brain. I guess playing bad on purpose kind of pissed the Poker Gods off or something. OK, it wasn't really on purpose. And I really don't want to piss off the Poker Gods.

I know no one at the Legion will give a flying fuck if I get in the money or not, but all of a sudden it's like I'm preoccupied with what people think of me when I'm playing poker. Those fucking comments (or lack thereof) last week really threw me. Now it's like Mike Sexton and Vince Van Patten are running commentary in my head while I'm playing, "I don't know what the hell she's doing here except for donating money to the people that can play", or "What is she doing calling with that garbage?", or "Typical rookie mistake right there". I'm starting to feel like luck is the only thing that won me so much money in the last couple of months.

Like I said, I'm totally fucked up in the brain right now.

But when I think of it... how well would I have fared in those tournaments if I didn't get those key pocket cards at key times? I'd probably be sitting here with a lot less money, shaking my head and wondering what I'm doing wrong. The rational part of my brain is telling me, "Wake up moron, you knew what to DO with those key hands at the key time, right?" Sure ok, maybe I did - it's not like someone I saw once check A-Ks in the big blind with 4 other people in the pot, then whine when he lost.

There's an article at Bluff Magazine, "Mastering The Mind Game of Poker". I honed in on a phrase from the article, "The brain doesn't recognize the negative so you simply can't not think about something. If you tell yourself not to think about a blue elephant, you already have. When you mentally think "Don't go on tilt," your brain doesn't recognize the word "don't," and the focus is on "Go on tilt."..."

So my mind right now is thinking "People are going to think you're a moron. Don't fuck up". But according to that, I guess my brain is hearing "Fuck up!". But it's wierd, because contrary to that statement, every time I go into a tournament thinking that I've got it in the bag, I end up losing. Well, maybe that's because I get careless. But if I tell myself, "Don't think, 'don't fuck up'", I'm going to think it anyway, therefore fucking up.

Yes, I was much better in Logic and Philosophy than I was in Psychology when I was in college.

I really don't know what my state of mind will be for the game Friday night. A co-worker gave me some great advice - "Then don't play! Seems logical, doesn't it? But like a junkie needing a fix, I'm there anyway.

Crossing my fingers for the best...