Sliced and Diced

For a long, long time I was having problems with recurring infections in my earlobe. Every time I'd wear earrings, I'd pay for it for days with a swollen, irritated, infected earlobe. Several years ago I abandoned all earrings except for those with solid gold posts, thinking it was most likely a nickel allergy. But eventually the solid gold posted earrings were causing trouble, too.

I switched again to sterling silver, to no avail. Since the beginning of this year my earlobe has been swollen and infected, and the lymph node behind my ear has been a hard solid ball for months.

Finally I decided enough was enough and went to the medical center where I work. They gave me a week's worth of Keflex for the infection. Unfortunately it didn't do a darn thing. I went back, and they gave me 2 months worth of doxycycline. Although the doxycycline did great things for my rosacea (my skin has never looked better!) and pretty much assured me that I didn't have Lyme Disease, it did absolutely zippo for my ear.

I finally broke down and went to my regular family doctor. You know it's bad when you hear, "Um, I'm not quite sure what it is... I'm going to have the other doctor take a look at it." She ended up thinking it was something called a cheloid (don't know what the hell a cheloid is but it's a way cool sounding word), and referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor.

The first thing the ENT doctor said to me was "You know, our bodies are not supposed to be pierced." And I'm thinking, great, this is going to go well. I don't know the statistics, but I'd wager that there are very very few women my age who do not have pierced ears. I tried my best to control my rolling eyes, and he told me it was most likely a sebaceous cyst. Right there in my earlobe, with my earring hole going right through it. Which means I probably had it since I was a kid.

Great, doc, so how do we get rid of it? REMOVE IT? Are you kidding? So I'm going to go Van Gough or something? No, his proposal was to cut into my earlobe, remove the offending little fucker, then sew it back up. Downside? My earlobe will probably end up being smaller than the other one, and it's questionable whether or not I can get it pierced again. I really wasn't jazzed about the whole thing, but there was really no other option since it kept getting infected.

So I got the damn thing removed yesterday. Last week I was thinking that I should have seen the dermatologist that did such a great job with the basal cell on my nose (I can barely even see a scar - beyond a couple of broken capillaries I can hardly tell I had anything there), but there just wouldn't have been time.

So I had the damn thing removed yesterday. What a racket, let me tell you. I had to have it done as an outpatient at one of the local hospitals since the ENT's office wasn't set up for it. There were two things that really griped my ass about that. First, I had to be there an hour before my scheduled time to get registered with the hospital and all that jazz. Given I'm usually early for appointments to begin with, that makes extra waiting time for me. And I could have understood it, but then I find out my doctor is running over an hour and a half late. If that was the case, couldn't they have given me the courtesy of calling me that morning to let me know instead of having me sitting on my ass for 3 hours? My time is valuable, too!

The second thing that really griped me (and this was the biggie) - was when I finally got called into the secondary waiting room where a nurse would come in and get me ready for the whole thing, I'm told to change into a hospital gown, bathrobe, and slippers. I'm like, I'M JUST GETTING MY EARLOBE HACKED OFF, WHY DO I HAVE TO STRIP DOWN TO MY UNDERWEAR? I'm not even getting general anasthesia, only local! Hell, I had the skin cancer hacked off my nose without even having to change my shirt, for crissakes. But fine, whatever, it's a sterile operating room, ok. But then the beyotch had me SIT WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WAITING ROOM IN MY HOSPITAL GOWN AND BATHROBE! What the fuck? I'm sitting with a bunch of strangers, half naked (the gown and bathrobe only came down to my knees, the back of the gown was open, and the bathrobe was too small) for OVER TWO HOURS! Sweet mother of god, that's just wrong on so many levels! I'm sitting there on the chair, and being short my feet barely reached the floor, and I couldn't cross my legs for fear for pulling a Sharon Stone ala Basic Instinct to the entire waiting room. Then I noticed the two other people waiting to have procedures done (there were more than two in the room, but the people that were WAITING WITH THEM were there, too) were given hospital pants! Ok, the one was a very large woman, so maybe she was given pants for that reason, and the other one was a guy, but WHY CAN'T I HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING PAIR OF PANTS, TOO? By the time I was taken into the OR I was so sore from sitting so clenched for the last two hours. I still don't get it.

Anyway, the procedure itself was all of 15 minutes - they put a bandaid on my earlobe when it was done and shipped me home with another 5 days of Keflex. I was told to take the bandage off today and keep it off until I get the stiches out next week.

My ear looks bad. The earlobe is sticking out at about a 45 degree angle, and the doctor said it's very possible it may be a little "dog-eared". "A little", my ass. I know the human body is very elastic, and I'm sure after the swelling goes down it won't be so bad, but it really looks horrible now. And honestly, I think my second piercing in the ear is gone, too. He didn't tell me that little tidbit of information. The pain isn't as bad now, but pre-ibuprofen today it felt like I'd been whacked on the side of the head.

I just can't wait to get the stiches out and assess the damage. I'm hoping I can get the ear repierced - although I'd most likely get it done at a tatoo/piercing place than at one of those joints in the mall that does ear-piercing. Somehow a 20-year old wielding a piercing gun where I just had surgery doesn't make me too happy.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see. At least I didn't lose the whole earlobe.