What's a Girl to Do?

I rarely wear my hair down anymore, usually opting for an quick and easy ponytail. When I do wear it down, as I did one day last week to work, I usually get gasps and people saying I should wear it like that all the time.

See, my hair is about lower-back length, straight and thick. Thick to the point where, back in the 80s when I used to get perms all the time, it would take 3 hours alone to put my hair in rollers and I would not be able to support the weight of them - my head would be lolling around like a rag doll until I would finally lay back to relieve the stress on my neck.

While most people would in theory scratch my eyes out for my hair, it definitely has its drawbacks, one of which I experienced yesterday.

I frequently pull my hair back, especially for work - being in a laboratory environment, I can't have my hair flying around all over the place - especially around equipment rotating at 1000rpm. Because of the thickness, though, I can't even pull it into a neat bun - it just flops right back out. Hence the ever present ponytail.

Yesterday I was at the pharmacy dropping off a prescription and while I was waiting, I decided to browse the hair conditioners (another issue I'll get to). I didn't see anything I liked, and as I turned around, I saw a little package with a black band in it. It was a Hairagami. I've seen these on TV and they looked awesome, it looked like a perfect solution to my issue of never being able to style my hair in anything other than a ponytail.

So I paid the 6 bucks for it, took it home and tried it out.

Now I know how they stay in business. Dumbasses like me who buy their shit. The Hairagami is esentially like those snap bracelets - two of them joined together with black felt like fabric. The theory is to snap them open, sandwich the hair between the two pieces, draw the thing down to the ends of the hair, then roll it up and snap it closed -the perfect bun. I'm not sure if it's because my hair is so thick or if it's just because the Hairagami is a piece of garbage, but it just doesn't work. After I snapped them open, I sandwiched my hair just like the directions said, and the fucking thing snapped closed on my fingers. OK, so maybe I have to break it in. So I'm snapping it open and closed, open and closed, and tried again. I figured out if I spread my hair out right away instead of sandwiching it right in the middle of the thing, it works better. OK, next problem. While I am more flexible than most people, I cannot draw the damn thing to the ends of my hair without perhaps dislocating my shoulders first. I would draw it down as far as I could reach, and the damn thing would still try to snap closed. There was one instance where I didn't have a good hold of it when it snapped - it flew out of my hands, across the bathroom, and landed next to the toilet. I'm not kidding. Probably should have landed in the toilet for all it's worth.

But that's just one headache of many - and it makes me wonder, who the hell are all these hair products made for, women with baby fine, straight, mid-length hair? Even conditioners (the original reason of my foray into the hair care aisle at the pharmacy) - I haven't found one single conditioner that's worth buying for long, thick hair. They're all as thin as water, suck at detangling, and end up making me feel like I didn't even condition my hair in the first place. Even Rusk Calm, which I used to love, is not working anymore. I've resorted to using those weekly restorative conditioning treatments daily, just to keep my hair in order.

The other drawbacks? I don't know how many stylists have asked me, "Do you mind if I leave your hair a little wet?", as in "I'm too fucking lazy or don't have time to spend 45 minutes to dry hair this thick, so please leave with it wet" Sure, I'll go out into the 20 degree weather with a wet head. I'll forward you my medical bills when I get pneumonia. If a stylist ever asked me that question, I'd say, "sure", then never go back. It's become kind of a litmus test for finding a good salon. Lately, it's been that my stylist (who doesn't do that) doesn't even have the time to do all my treatments in one day. If I go for color, cut and highlights, I have to separate it over two different trips to get it all done. Hell, even the last time, there wasn't even time for a cut - I haven't had my hair cut since about September. It's in desperate need and I'm about to say "chop it all off" .

I had my hair thinned out once - ha! It grew back thicker.

Then there's my own time - it takes about 30-45 minutes to dry my hair, which includes copious amounts of leave-in conditioner, Rusk Sheer Brilliance and Matrix Extreme straightening lotion, then another 45 minutes to run a flat iron through it so it doesn't get all squirly with humidity. Flat iron on a daily basis equals bad for hair.

So what's to do about it? If I want to keep my hair long, it seems I'm resigned to my ever present ponytails with frequent trips to the salon, hordes of money on products, and way too much time just getting it dry.

There's got to be an easier way, no? I don't mind so much my thick hair itself, but aren't there products anywhere marketed to people with hair like that?

My fingers still hurt from that fucking Hairagami. Maybe I'll try it again and this time it will land in the toilet.