A Desperate Plea to the Poker Gods

So this past weekend I was battling insomnia, and now it seems I can't get enough sleep.

My cold is raging on - the sore throat, stiff neck, and coughing has progressed to a clogged nose and clogged ears. My ears have been clogged for 4 DAYS. That's right - that nice little ear pop you get in an airplane has been a semi-constant feeling with me for 4 days. I say semi-constant because it goes away when I lay down. Unfortunately when I've been laying down the past couple of days, I fall right to sleep. I don't even get to enjoy the unclogged feeling. It's like invisible forces are trying to suck my brain right out of my ears. Fat lot of good my brain would do anyone right now.

Family poker night on Saturday was fun - instead of doing shots of Jack Daniels or Jagermeister as I would have done 10 years ago, I was doing shots of Robitussin to keep myself from hacking all over everyone. Fun. It was even more fun when I decided I wanted a beer. I drank about half of it before common sense took over. Beer plus cold medicine equals bad.

The guy we usually play poker with every month called us on Saturday afternoon, wanting to know if we wanted to play a small game. I told him about our family game and told him and his family to come. We weren't playing for money, but it would be fun anyway. I did get prizes, though - most of the people there didn't really know how to play, so I thought it would be neat to give out prizes. There was a booby prize - a "Texas Hold 'Em for Dummies" card deck for the first one out, then a deck of cards, a Las Vegas Motion Lamp, and a small poker chip set for 3rd, 2nd, and 1st place.

I had my usual difficulties playing against beginners - there were two hands I remember extremely well. The first was when I was dealt AKo on the button, and I raised. My dad (who was playing like a complete maniac) and my sister both called. Then I end up flopping two pair - Aces and Kings. Sweet! On a rainbow flop, too! They checked, I bet pretty good, and they both called. I'm already envisioning the sweet stack of chips I'm gonna get. The turn was something like 9h, and I bet again. They both called again. The river was some other heart - I didn't fear a flush, because who the hell would chase a flush after only having 3 suited cards after the flop? MY SISTER WOULD. She had 6-4h in the hole (and she called my raise!!!), and chased that fucking flush to the river. With a 6 high. She smiled at me smugly like she just pulled off some fantastic caper. If we were playing for actual money, I would have hurt her. The other hand was my last - I had KQo and flopped a pair of kings. I was fairly confident in my kicker, so I went all-in, since I didn't have much left. My dad (the maniac) and cousin called. My dad ended up folding, and I had my cousin beat until the river. She had K-5 and paired her 5 on the river.

It was all for fun, though, and everyone had a great time. My cousin ended up winning first and my niece (who's only 15, no less!!!) got second. My memory of most of the night is shrouded in a Robitussin haze, but I do remember people saying we'll have to do it again.

Given our regular poker night is only two weeks away (where there's a decent amount of money involved), I'm sending out a desperate shout for help. HOW DO I PLAY AGAINST BEGINNERS??? Please, oh please, if anyone knows, let me know!! It shouldn't be this difficult!! If I check to trap, they get a free card and suck out. If I bet a little, they call and get their card. If I bet a lot, they still call and get their card. Is there any possible way to play against an entire table of suckouts or calling stations that does not involve only playing the absolute nuts? I've read Caro's Book of Poker Tells - great book, but you know what? The people I play with act strong when they're strong and weak when they're weak. And by strong I mean feeling strong with bottom pair and up. Seriously. Beyond a couple of incidents of card-guarding, I cannot interpret their body language. I was actually ridiculed a bit last month for "playing by the book". "We don't play by pot odds or percentages, we play by feeeeeeeeling", I'm told. As in, "There's a lot of 5s coming up tonight, so I'm not folding any time I get a 5". I am not kidding.

Does anyone out there have any advice?

Hopefully my cold will back off in the next two weeks so I'm not still high on cold medicine. I've since switched over to Tylenol Sinus - I'm guessing that's why I've been feeling so sleepy, but at least it does a decent job. Speaking of which, time for the next dose...